In today’s parenting, while trying to avoid the traditional mistakes of the past, I think we should also address the tendency to swing towards another extreme that almost serves the same purpose. At this point, we need to mention some popular parenting approaches that can be considered mistakes. First, let’s discuss the anxiety stemming from the misuse of the word ‘trauma’ today, leading to the thought, “Oh no, my child has experienced trauma!” and some related approaches.
First of all, we need to look at the correct definition of the word trauma. Trauma is translated into our language as a wounding emotion. Wounding events leave deep marks, are not easily forgotten, and when remembered, they reappear with the same intensity as on the first day (with all their effects on emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations remaining as fresh as on the first day). Many minor events affect our psychology, but not every event that affects us is trauma. Destructive, shocking, and wounding events are trauma, meaning what happens inside us and their effects on us are trauma. Therefore, it should not be overlooked that whether an event leaves a traumatic impact on someone can vary and is unique for each individual.
“I was breastfeeding my child the other day, looked at the screen, answered the phone, and talked. I feel terrible.”
“I yelled at my child the other day, raised my voice, and said, ‘Can you be quiet now?’ How could I say that? I haven’t been able to sleep for three days.”, “My child wanted to play with me the other day. I said I had work and couldn’t play at the moment. I feel awful and have been apologizing for days.”
- Psychologist Sümeyye Karaca
As parents, we want to raise our children without making any mistakes or wrongdoings, with perfect parenting. However, we need to know that this is not realistic. By the very nature of life, we will inevitably neglect our children, make mistakes, and commit wrongdoings. This is part of the natural flow of life and will happen. What we should pay attention to is whether these mistakes are constant and whether we strive to repair our mistakes and do what is necessary. This is of great importance. Things that are not constant and do not fall into the category of neglect or abuse are part of life.
Parents who need to maintain a genuine relationship with their child often begin to overlook what’s happening in real life while trying to build the relationship solely through what they read or hear. Instead, they need to be present and continue the relationship by repairing it with trust, regardless of what has happened. Being extreme or at the edges in parenting will harm both the parent and the child. Parents who are overly stuck in these areas will inevitably feel bad and not be able to parent effectively.
Another dangerous extreme we tend to swing towards is trying to overly convince the child with lengthy and detailed explanations to get them to act. Whether it’s for sleeping, eating, leaving the house, coming back home, putting down the screen, picking up a book, or even leaving a gathering, we often try to convince them with extensive explanations. However, children’s natural ability to process long and detailed sentences and act on them is not yet fully developed. That’s why being action-oriented and a role model is more effective for children. Particularly in setting boundaries, short and clear explanations at a level the child can understand, along with a compassionate and determined attitude, are sufficient and healthy.
The important point here is to be compassionate and determined, not strict and angry; distinguishing between these is crucial. Constantly trying to persuade a child at great length can overwhelm them and may lead to a situation where the overly-persuaded child demands this in every situation. Think of it this way: a child who has always been persuaded to do something may eventually expect persuasion for basic needs like getting dressed or undressed. A child who waits to be persuaded to listen to lessons, study, or do homework at school is likely to face difficulties in later stages of life.
Another risky extreme is over-serving and excessively protecting or isolating the child. Let’s take a beautiful example of the importance of experiencing challenges in children’s development from the growth story of lobsters. Lobsters are soft, delicate animals that live inside hard shells, which do not have the ability to expand. So, how do these lobsters grow? As they grow, their shells begin to feel tight and uncomfortable, creating pressure. To protect themselves from potential dangers, they hide under rock formations, shed their shells, and grow new ones. As they continue to grow, this process repeats multiple times. What allows lobsters to grow is the discomfort and pressure they experience.
Now imagine a 7-year-old child whose mother still wipes their bottom, ties their shoes, feeds them, and does their homework. Over-serving and preventing a child from experiencing developmental challenges blocks their ability to take on responsibilities, directly or indirectly hindering their development. Excessive service leads to anger. Parenting is not the art of making children happy but the art of doing what is right. A parent who forgets that they are an individual beyond their parenting role and neglects to create time and space for themselves will enter a vicious cycle of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
Finally, I want to touch on the effort to do everything perfectly. Trying to do everything flawlessly and perfectly can confuse children when it comes to adapting to real life. A child raised as if they were in a bubble will face much greater difficulties when encountering the realities of life. A child isolated from life and everything else will be more affected by normal developmental challenges as they struggle to adapt. Every unnecessary burden a parent takes on disrupts the natural flow of parenting, the child’s life, and the parent-child relationship.
While fulfilling the duty of meeting the child’s needs and protecting them from harm, seeing one’s own needs will greatly enhance parenting. This way, both the child and the parent-child relationship will flow much more healthily.
