In recent times, we’ve started hearing this phrase more often in marriages going downhill, infidelity issues, or problematic periods where couples clash: “But we got married out of love.” I believe the point where couples go wrong lies in this magical phrase and the misguided belief that gives rise to it: “But we got married out of love.”
Is Love an Infinite Resource?
People tend to mistakenly think that once they fall in love, it will remain constant and everlasting. This misconception creates a sense of complacency: “My spouse loves me, I love them, and this will go on forever.” After that, the individual no longer fears losing their spouse or partner. When the fear of loss disappears, people may start behaving carelessly and unlovingly toward their partner.
This trend is more commonly observed in men among the couples we work with in clinics. For women, the process unfolds differently. For women, the constant verbal or behavioral expression of love is much more crucial. Activities like talking, spending time together, and hearing kind and loving words from their partner are paramount for women to feel the continuity of love.
On the other hand, men often downplay this with logical statements like: “If I didn’t love her, why would I be here?” Some of our clients say: “I’m not a romantic guy.” When asked how they were during the courtship period, they often respond: “That was different; we weren’t living together. Back then, I’d bring flowers and give compliments.”
- Psychologist Nur Gezek
Babies Who Are Not Touched Die
German Emperor Frederick II conducted an experiment to discover the natural language of humans. Fifty babies were cared for by caregivers who provided only food and basic care but did not speak to or interact with them. What language did the babies speak? No one knows, because all fifty babies died before reaching speaking age. Was this an unfortunate experiment? From a scientific standpoint, perhaps not, but it was a tragedy for the babies involved.
Today, we know that babies who are not spoken to, touched, held, kissed, or smelled cannot survive. This horrific experiment tells us that living and developing a healthy sense of self depends on being touched—on being loved.
Dr. Tiffany Field from the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine wrote in her book Touch (2001) that healthy development in orphanages and childcare centers requires an environment of constant interaction. Speaking to, touching, and holding a baby is essential for their healthy growth.
It seems as though a child decides to live after receiving an answer to the question: “Am I wanted?” The emotional memory begins forming in the hippocampus, the emotional center of the brain, as early as six hours after birth. This pre-language memory records everything: whether we talk to them, how we talk to them, and the tone we use—it’s all stored.
Babies are aware of how they are spoken to. They are equipped with the intelligence of existence, distinguishing nurturing voices and touches from toxic ones.
Is Expressing Love a Sign of Weakness?
One of the most common statements we hear from couples is: “I can’t express my emotions; I’m introverted; that’s just how I am.” In such cases, we ask:
- “What do you do when you’re very angry?”
- “Well, I shout a bit, of course.”
- “So, you’re not struggling to express anger?”
This shows that the belief of being unable to express emotions is false—they can express negative emotions but not positive ones.
In our culture, expressing anger is easy, but the disappointments, fears, and anxieties underlying the anger are rarely voiced. Similarly, expressing the need for love is often seen as a weakness and avoided.
People struggle to say, “I miss spending time with you,” but can easily say in anger: “You never make time for me anymore; I’m sick of your work, friends, and family!”
Saying “I love you” for no reason, out of the blue, has sadly become a forgotten phrase in marriages.
The Syndrome of the Woman Who Gives Up
Our clinical observations frequently reveal a condition we call the “syndrome of the woman who gives up.” Women, being generally more self-sacrificing in their upbringing, often invest more effort in their marriages. They hope for years that their marriage or their partner’s behavior will improve. They plead for love and attention, involve family and friends, and constantly demand. However, one day, something happens, and the woman gives up. She stops trying, stops complaining, and retreats into her shell—or, if she’s financially secure, she decides to divorce.
At this point, the man is shocked. The woman who had fought for years is gone, and she has given up. Now, the man starts to make an effort to regain her love and attention, but it’s too late.
Love Is Action
Our advice is this: even if you got married out of love, love is an action—it requires effort. Like a living organism, love needs nurturing; otherwise, it will die. It’s not an endless reserve or infinite energy.
Keep nurturing your love, and may you celebrate many happy years together as lovers even on Valentine’s Day. Don’t let love fade. Stay in love.
